beep record beep..

i have left more messages over the phone in the last one month than i did in the last twenty years back home...

pick up a phone.. dial a number...the phone rings...hope soars cause it s not engaged...continues to ring a couple of times more..hope stays in place..(maybe someone is on the way to the instrument..)..then a click...hope hits the ceiling..a voice..."i am sorry that i am unable to take your call..please leave your name number and a message so that i can return the call as soon as possible.."..beep...

damn...

try to think up of the best way to summarise the reason for calling up..before which another voice says.."I am sorry ..ur message could not be recorded this time..please try again."...beep...

damn..

the learning phase involved patiently listenin to the recorded voice ..waitin for the beep....trying to think up a polite message to leave before the second beep...after a while my creative juices ran out and i could think up of no more original replies..so nowadays ..conversation with the machine primarily involves banging down the receiver before the formless voice prior to the first beep finishes the first word and noting the time the whole call took....

why have answering machines or voice mailboxes...???why do u need to record the caller s voice..?? why cant the urgency be determined on account of the number of missed calls ..??

unless of course the person likes to sit by and listen to the recorded messages he receives and keep playing them back every now and then as a hobby...i dont see the point of havin an answerin machine in the first place...

or why dont people atleast show some originality when they record a message for the caller to listen to...?? give some insight into their personality of sorts...instead of the time tested message all the time..!.hell...i know u are not at home/busy...thats why i am listening to a recorded voice instead..it is the most obvious conclusion a human with an average IQ would reach to......

I guess I have a problem with almost anything and everything.. but then I seem to be having no issues with considering my point of view of being the right one...so that ... pretty much takes care of everything else by itself....

finer arts..

one generally ends up being in total awe of people who are effortlessly able to do things that person cant.. try as he/she might...
me..I jus fall short of placing the no-sayers and the bargainers on a pedestral and worshipping them..
a statement by anita nair in one of her books..somethin in the lines of... u realise u are an adult when u are able to say no without that twinge of guilt accompanying it..on my part i realised why people still give me that exasperated when will u grow up look for no apparent fault of mine...
wats so difficult with uttering a n-0 to a stranger ... i dunno.. feeling like a total jerk.. the feeling could be for a fleeting second or longer as the situation demands... automatically accompanies the utterance of no..
console myself sayin that for all u know it could be a mahatma like quality...
kinda hoping that this piece of convo sees the light of the day..
somebody:could u .......?
me:nope.....
or
s:will u .....?
me:nope...
..and that I emerge out of it feeling ekdum happy....
guess it s a direct cause and effect relationship that defines why I am such a loser at bargaining..
i generally presume that its my moral responsibility to pay the amount asked for..
outings .. I generally accompany person/people who is/are a goddess/goddesses at bargaining(G.A.B)...it helps...
dialogue ensuing between the whatever seller and the G.A.B..(with me as the spectator)..

w.s:150 only madam .. export quality...
G.A.B:(looking him straight in the eye..):50..
me:(sputtering soundlessly..)wat..?
w.s:90 madam.. no profit for me otherwise madam...
G.A.B:50...(and starts walkin .. I am still standin...)
w.s:allright 50.. take it....
me:omg..!wat..??

replace G.A.B with me and the bargain session invariably starts with the rub-neck-tug-earlobe warmup..a sincere effort to get the magic words out...and closing price quote of 100...
have people takin classes for unheard things nowadays and makin loads of money...any idea bout a how to bargain or a how to say no class goin on...?
after all .. they are arts too..and finer ones at that..

......

lame attempt at verse this,
more of a doggerel it is,
alas! found no better way to state the fact,
that concealing the truth about being a moron,
just needs well strung words from a lexicon.

L'esprit de l'escalier ..

translates to..:stairway wit..

yes..I know who a polyglot is..

no.. I am not one... my colloquial vocabulary is limited to english,hindi,tamil, bonjour and merci..

yes.. the title did rise as a series of sounds in my throat and died before reaching the lips..

no..I obviously didnt know what it meant till I looked up the translation..

and no..it doesnt include showcasing of sarcasm while climbing stairs..

in layman terms..jus means being dumbed down in a particular situation and thinking up of smartass retorts once it s too late..

thought I was the only one who went through this thought process..thought somethin was wired wrong in my head alone.. and went about mighty glad bout the whole thing..

lets face it..I am not a genius.. not even close to it..I wont be the seventh person to understand einstein s theory of relativity nor can I conjure up a Springfield though I would like to believe otherwise..

eccentric..?maybe.. its a relative term anyway..

barring a few exceptions of course.. basic human nature.. ?to prove the point of being totally different from others.. why else would i still get to watch constantly revamped episodes of The Guinness World Records from god knows when till now...

I am but human... talents if any still prefer to remain latent in my case however..

I took to thinking about what I think and whether the others did that too..(come to think of it .. it is difficult in its own way..)

naa that s not possible.. I am different...! pretty convinced with myself too till L'esprit de l'escalier came along and proved that there is more to French than jus the kiss and Moulin Rouge...

present line of thought...while walkin down the road or travellin whats that urge sometimes to observe or talk to a particular stranger...?do others have it too..?

and by the way..do others revel in self deprecating humor as much as I do..?

akhbaari..

ten minutes.. and I am done...with reading the paper..:-).The Hindu to be more specific.Don't look forward to get my hands on a crisp paper first thing in teh morning ..hell..nowadays it makes no difference even if it reaches me in a thoroughly crumpled up state..
"That is the headline..?? "is my first reaction on most of the days..local news is borderline crap..The only thing useful there is a tiny column on one edge giving prior notice about a power shutdown later that day.. helps keep ready a list of curses for usage at the time of need..
international news section. well..more than anythin else ...thanks to them I learnt a lot more about Shaha Riza and Paul Wolfowitz s relationship and Paris Hilton s living conditions in jail..than about Darfur..
Unless of course I went into a state of induced coma durin those specific intervals.. to the best of my knowledge ..dont think there has ever been this extensive a media coverage( wood pulp medium inclusive)..or mudslinging for that matter for a presidential election...
yeah. . go on .. devote pages and time slots for an election where the public is not even gonna vote..
grade the sections in the paper as worthy of read and the Opinions page wins hands down. its the only place where individuals get to voice their views..teh crossie page comes in a close second.. but then .. because I am able to crack an ok number of clues on a daily basis.. I am guessin its quality is going down too..:)..
its kinda irritating especially wen one has all the time in the world with nothin even vaguely constructive to do for the time being and is trying to keep away from sittin and staring at nothin and.. become a gyaani in current affairs at the same instant..:) ..
must admit though..sometimes I do feel that all the time spent drooling in front of the computer is the reason why the newspaper.. and the media in general appears so drab...but then an occassional gem like this
helps reaffirm the faith I have in my existing frame of thought..:-)

INDIA RISING...with a walking stick ..?

old is gold.. follow that saying verbatim and one gets to state that the Indian goverment is currently passing through a golden phase.. without lying through the teeth.
I don't understand why and how people nurse political ambitions at an age when they ought to be nursing their arthiritic knees ...cite experience in the field as a plausible explanation..?even then it's pretty much the case of taking things too far...
parliament sessions and u have a speaker..with due respects.. whose voice barely carries beyond the first row.. almost remindin me of similar lecture sessions in college.. that prof s is reachin retirement age and the way things are going... might even get to see him in the political scene pretty soon...u've had a prime minister executing catnaps on television instead of his allocated duties and spending a major portion of the non somnolating period working on his magnetism..(read replacement of joints..) ..literally..
why do majority of the politicians..ones specifically making up the Government Of India .. come into the big picture at an age when all other government employees are retiring...?where do majority of the student leaders go after the massive canvassing and coverage by the media..?wait till they are sixty..?end up occupying obscure wats that? potfolios..?adopt a to hell with politics attitude..?
is it a democracy that we are part of ..or a gerontocracy basically..?I have nt exercised my voting rights yet and dont think I will either...so essentially is the present situation because a particular section of society prefers to talk on the issue and express their views and do nothin about it..as is the case here.. or is it because the majority of those who ARE voting have an inclination to do so for their age group..or is it jus because hamare desh ka mausam hi aisa hai..??

glassy eyed...

I have been member of the junta with a myopic line of sight for quite sometime now..yeah the same set of people who walk about with an aura of studiousness that comes free with the prescribed glasses.. who spend a fortune at the photocopiers ,a week before the exams..and who consider it an achievement to scrape through successfully...
Anyway.. my relationship with glasses started sometime in my school days when I finally realised that the reason I could nt see the handwriting on the board till I stood beside my teacher.. was nt because the angle at which the sunlight was bouncing off the board and reaching my eyes ,irrespective of where I sat, was wrong(had somehow managed with this reasoning for a two good years) but simply because mere hi aankhon mein kuch kharabi thi...
Well..my joy knew no bounds at this realisation and subsequent confirmation by the doc...it basically meant a new dimension being added to my outlook..(sounds like bullshit..???well.. it is.. ).
Truth being ..wearing glasses was the in thing at that time...and since I had an absolutely valid reason to do so ..I could'nt be happier...
Well it was not before long that a voice in my head drove home the point that the difference between me and the in thingers was essentially that while they wore the glasses to look good I had to wear mine to see whether I looked good..:)..
Positive side to wearing specs..?well..it s damn easy to see things or people in a different light..havin an argument of sorts or trying to find an alternative solution to a problem..all I do is remove my glasses and stare at the person or into the paper..as the situation demands.
Basically helps conserving my brain cells for future necessities that arise for example ..when I am manipulating my vaahan in the rain with the water streaming down my glasses .My state of affairs then.. ?remove glasses ..see nothin..wear glasses..well see nothin at all...
Sitting in the bus by the window enjoying the scenic ECR..when someone decides that he s ruminated over the vethala paaku sunnanbu combination long enough to necessitate the first spit and does so with no second thoughts ...end result ..i see red...literally.It s at this point of time that I wish I could get hold of that sardar kid on TV, with the wiper accessory in his glasses,and bargain an exchange...
Going in for lens..?"u could successfully audition for the sequel to sleepy hollow after that.."said one faction...that hurt a wee bit..
"u have deep set eyes..could actually manage to look drunk without being drunk..."said faction two...looking drunk without being drunk sounded like a great option.. so I decided to give it a shot...
but then... nurses with a poke-'em-on-ish attitude carrying out practice sessions on my eyeballs didnt appeal that much...so here I am ..still holdin on to my chashma...if the aura remains..well I cant help it..:)

confusions of a wandering mind - II

I am not a Chennaite.. I absolutely detest shopping .... The T Nagar mania is beyond my scope of understanding and given a choice it would be the last place on earth I would like to find myself in...its just that I don't get to choose too often.. most of the people I know.. including my mom.. are hardcore Chennaites who swear by the magic of shopping till they drop...
So...on most of my Madras trips I find myself there.. wondering primarily why am I here and when I am not doing that.. some things like....
1)is T Nagar a part of Chennai or vice versa..?
2)how does the staircase leading to Saravana stores look like..?
3)why do i just fall short of kneeling down and kissing the road each time I leave Ranganathan Street..?
4)who s the brain behind the garish tableau-ish thing they put up outside Pothys ..and what s the need for it anyway..?
5)do the shopkeepers offer a major discount to people waving dirhams in front of their eyes..?
6)why is the shop endemic restricted to this particular road alone...?
7)What s the point behind the oh so huge hoardings when the shop they are advertising for is right there where the hoarding ends...?
8)why do most of the jewellery shops look like fish markets irrespective of the gold prices..?
9)where do the branded wear showrooms advertise for job vacancies..?the salesmen there are clearly getting paid for swatting flies...
10)why do I get this feeling of walking into deeper trouble each time I enter Nalli...?
11)why don t all the multistoreyed shops,catering for family needs in every way with different storey for different types of garments and accessories ,and newly added coffee shops and food joints,dedicate a floor for people to stay and continue their shopping the next day..?twould save all that travelling time ..
12)do the T Nagar niwasis shop daily..?
13)why is just one ICICI ATM machine tucked away in a petrol pump the only source of jaldi money here..?
14)what is a nice book shop doing on the outskirts of this madness..?
15)and finally why can't we just have more agoraphobics in Chennai..?

confusions of a wandering mind - I

a social gathering.. 20 something and above aged homo sapiens of the feminine gender are seated on plush sofas..the waiter guy walks in and asks wat the ladies would like to wet their throats with.. some say nimbu paani.. some say cola.. some say fruit punch.. a select few go in for wine..all s well till here..the ordered drinks are catered for.. flutes and glasses are picked up and brought to the lips.. its here that the problem starts....
...brought to the lips.. a sip taken.. and the conversation stopped on account of the sip is resumed.. conv continues.. continues.. continues.... for god knows how long.. i keep this oh is that so look on..(courtesy my dog..) the whole while..(yeah i am there too.. with dire consequences threatened otherwise..) look down into my glass of nimbu paani after sometime .. and findin it devoid of the liquid decide to go in for a refill.. look around wanting to be of help to anyone who would like to join the bandwagon.. and find a couple of them goin in for a second sip..(yeah second sip..) and others jus cradlin their almost full glasses waitin for godknowswhom .. or was it for a straw...?At this point i am jus about on the verge of embarassment..
.. the wine drinkers at the gatherin are excused for the sipping syndrome..takin a sip.. letting the liquid leave the tingling sensation in teh mouth before creatin that warmth down the throat...mmm..that takes time.. either that .. or the wine' s vintage Chardonnay with the cost automatically leaving a lump down the throat of the person who dared to proclaim "the drinks are on the house everyone..!!" without first making sure there aren t any closet enemies round the place..relishing it becomes a necessity then..:)
its the lemon juice and the cola people whom I dont understand..the same set who empty a bottle of juice in five seconds flat take a hour to sip up half the quantity from a glass..why..?is it a demonstration of will power...an indication of throat cancer affliction durin parties alone...social etiquette..?..:-)..dont think the third one s an option even.. I have people to vouch for my public behaviour..(read parents..)..and wen I am at my normal best I keep my glass somewhat filled for around ten minutes..
so.. basically.....the only question haunting me when i see the sip..blah..blah..blah..blah......sip.. sequence is ..Why..??

rail gaadi.. rail gaadi.

In case the title gives the ring of an overenthusiatic account of a train trip from the eyes of a child ,to follow.. well .. ur tympanum is in perfect working condition.:-)
It all started when I boarded the Executive Class ac chair car of the Shatabdi Express (sounds grand..? ought to.. thats the whole point behind mentioning it in the first place) for the first time in my life.First thing done after boarding was to stand mesmerised by the sheer size of the windows.. to give a brief idea of how huge it was.. well .. a family of four with healthy eating habits and no gigantism being passed on as a heirloom could jump out in tandem using the window as an emergency exit.Sat down and paid full attention to the firangs and dirangs (that will be desis with a firangi attitude..) streaming in.Its at this point that the unmistakable smell of cowdung wafted in along with the people.The only explanation that seemed feasible was that the firangs, with their fascination for anything which projected India in the rural light ,had managed to procure from somewhere a perfume that captured the essence of dung.This kept me occupied for like around fifteen minutes till the train left the station.Have this irrepressible urge to look out of the window and give the impression that nothin else is of greater importance to me than whats goin on outside till the time the person next to me offers his window seat ,post which it s burying my nose into a book till its getting down time.Heard that there s even a word coined for this sort of behaviour.. so I guess its ok.Anyway paani chai and khaana .. in that order exactly..were served at hourly intervals.Guess its a preconceived notion or a result of constant monitoring of food habits that all people who pay more to travel are essentially certified gluttons.. though I concede at this point that there ARE a select bunch always present who seek to do full justice to the money they did paid by way of munch.
Lamba safar tha.. nature ne beech mein bulaya.. hum bhi chal diye and was in for a rude shock.The cubicle designed for the purpose by god knows who measured not more than 3ft by 3 ft by 10ft inclusive of all everything.Ought to have had a sticker proclaiming "strictly for anorexics" stuck on the door. I seriously felt that it would have been definitely put to better use for warmup sessions by a contortionist.Anyway fitted myself in somehow and then came rude shock part II .Where in the name of God were the good old mechanisms.Green buttons all around the place and by the time one could decipher what was for what, the sphincter had decided that the overworked brain needed a break..(in other words.. teh urge to pee had passed..).
Travellin in luxury with too many comforts is decidedly not for me.. no wonder my long distance travel plans dont seem to be materialising..:-).By the way the route was from Delhi to Amritsar and in case I forgot to mention.. the passing by scenery of lush green fields the whole way..(yeah the whole way.. admit monotony set in after a while..)was a treat to the eyes..:-D